I watched the golden light of the sunset change through the leaves outside my classroom window last night. I felt a strong ache behind my left eye and made a concerted effort to hold back tears as I pretended to listen to the lecture. I'd judged my emotional opacity as impeccable until Kenji turned and asked me what was wrong. I relented and told him I couldn't say because then I'd start to cry and I just couldn't allow it.
But as I watched the light, I experienced a small epiphany. I realized that I would one day yearn to be back in that classroom with all of those people the way I sometimes yearn to see that same golden light bleed into the green carpet of my old elementary school. I realized that I may nostalgically look back upon the heartache of boy drama and the chaos of the graphic design program the way I nostalgically reflect on the way kids used to make fun of me on the playground.
All of these difficult things feel like they connect me to the human experience at large. They seem necessary and humbling.
5 comments:
sorry I make fun of you!
Laura, this hit home for me. Not only because I was sitting there looking at those leaves too, but because I think about this subject quite a bit. Sometimes I imagine that it actually is a decade into the future and somehow I was granted the ability to go back and experience those times again, and the moment that I'm imagining this is actually the moment I was granted to relive.
You're a good writer. This was deep.
Good attitude Laura! No feeling sorry for yourself. Be grateful for your blessings no matter how much they hurt! You are in very caring hands.
beautiful post. those moments are priceless and unexpected. if only we could intentionally create nostalgic moments!
Love you babe. You may look back with nostalgia, but things will keep getting better too.
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