8.19.2008

crush for life.






















I think that having a crush can be like using a drug.
I've admittedly never used any type of recreational drugs, but I still think I have a point.

On the rare occasions that I have experienced headaches intense enough to merit a dose of excedrin, I have been virtually incapable of sleeping. It increases my heart rate, and I lie awake all night listening to blood rush through my veins.

Crushes are way worse. I can go days without really sleeping. Possibly weeks. Thoughts regarding a crush can move in and occupy most of your cognitive processes. They are capable of increasing your heart rate for way longer than just one night.
And the dissolution of a crush has the capacity to destroy one's good mood for a really long time. Some crushes can take years to recover from.

I don't have a "lust" for life. I have a "crush" for life.

I went for dinner with Meri again last night and we started speaking about how I'd severed all of my relationships. Hacked them to pieces. All of them. Some more brutally than others. My mother, my siblings; every single friend. I shrink to think of it. And I am so sorry.

The good news is that almost every last one of these people have forgiven me. I cannot begin to explain my gratitude. I often feel overwhelmed considering all the wrongs I've committed that others have been willing to dismiss. This overarching forgiveness I've experienced helps me have more faith in humankind as a whole; like I should never doubt one's capacity to extend sincere mercy. This love I feel from so many people has created an excitement within me. I am bursting with enthusiasm about so many things that I often don't sleep. My future feels unbelievably bright and I often catch myself daydreaming about it. It's sometimes difficult for me to think of how things in my life could realistically be going better than they are now.

Not only do I feel like I have a crush on life, but I feel like it's crushing back.

1 comment:

Cambrie said...

Hey-- I'm glad you participate in the wonderful world of blogging. I love it. Glad to have a quick and easy way to find out how you are doing.
I forgot how much you have a way with words. Your blog is very poetic.