rabbi shmuley and the real reason i don't want to clean my bedroom.

When I was in Brooklyn, this beautiful girl I stayed with, Suvi Hynynen (older sis of my dear friend Meri,) recommended that I read this book:One of her friends got stuck with it at a white elephant party and decided to actually read it. She loved it and passed it on to Suvi to spread the Rabbi's wisdom. Suvi is a strong advocate of the Rabbi's teachings and although I only read a couple of chapters, I'd say I also became converted.

The Rabbi has given me a lot to think about. The book uncovered the truth that I have commitment issues, and has unlocked some of the reasons I've made ridiculous dating decisions in the past.

(To my single friends: I know it's the kind of thing you'd never want to be caught reading [especially with the heinous rose on the front] but it has my strong recommendation. I am going to buy a copy for myself and if you'd like to add your name to the waiting list, feel free to email me confidentially at larboe@gmail.com)

The real reason I don't want to clean my room:

When I exited my marriage, I carried everything out in one day. I took only my personal belongings and things borrowed from others. I shoved it all in a storage unit the same day and finally moved it all out of there when I'd decided to stay at my parents' house long-term. I shoved all of that stuff into two rooms of my parents' house in one day and never really got settled in.

There is a laundry hamper on the floor of my closet full of stuff ranging from an old light fixture to important tax documents to old photographs. There are at least 4 shoe boxes full of sewing notions that desperately need to be sorted. There are clothes always thrown everywhere.

I haven't wanted people to judge me for this. I know I have the capacity to be meticulously neat. And because I've never been home, it hasn't really bothered me. For the majority of time I've spent in that room I've been unconscious.

Both of the times my bedroom has been clean since I've been divorced, Miriam has visited from California and taken sympathy on me for living in such an untidy space.

The truth is, cleaning my bedroom post-divorce is like sawing open my head and picking around at my brain tissues until all of my most painful memories come forward.

There are pictures of people who I don't know anymore, letters from old friends and boyfriends; objects I've kept for years on grounds of sentiment that isn't supposed to matter anymore. I've known that all of this stuff would have to be seriously organized and the pangs in my heart have not wanted me to do it. At a time when running from all of my hurt was the only and best thing to do, I just couldn't.

I started cleaning it again today. Wish me luck.


Kaylene said...

laura! my brother gave me that book for christmas a couple years ago as a joke. maybe i should finally read it. it might be exactly what i need to read.

laura said...

OMG! you totally should!

MiriamR said...

Good luck cleaning your room. I hope it goes well. I will come clean it for you if you want help, but I am sure you have to do it yourself :)

Dylan said...

love this post. put me on your list for the rabbi's book.

mim said...

I'll read the book, maybe I'll order a copy though when I'm in one place long enough to be sure I'll be wherever it's delivered.

You'll make it through your room & it's okay to throw away things that hurt too much to keep. If something still hurts to look at after a couple of years, I don't think it will get better. Get rid of it. Forgetting is a good thing sometimes.

Annie said...

GOOD LUCK my dear Laura. What a good thing. You can do it. And I want to be on the book-borrow list! Love this wonderful blog!

Chelsey said...

Good luck Laura! I should send you some of the old pictures of us to cheer you up!

Cambrie said...

Great blog post. You are so articulate and descriptive...just like a Barlow.
Thanks for sharing your feelings and helping me to look at things from a different point of view.

Suvi said...

Yes Laura, I strongly recommend it! Everyone should read it! I'll have you know that it has been passed on to Jared...

Good luck with the room cleaning... I think that as you do it, while it may be painful, it'll be the kind of painful that will be gone once you've thrown it away or it'll lose it's power to be painful once you've looked at things again in a new light. You can do it!

Tom said...

These issues aside, haven't you always had a little trouble keeping your room clean?

laura said...

yeah, but i feel like i learned how to be really clean while i was married. i think may possibly have always been the issue as to why i've hated it. i hate organizing all of that stuff.