got to leave provo.

I received this email today after going out with a guy on one date, whom I met at stake conference:

I looked over your blog again Sunday to try and figure out what to do with you:) I read an entry that I had skipped over the first time. It was the results of your dating quiz.
I found it astonishing. I don't think I or anyone else could have come up with a more accurate description of me, so I saved a copy for future reference.

1. Shy
2. Religious
3. Practical
4. Intellectual
5. Traditional
6. Adventurous
7. Big-Hearted
8. Athletic
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Stylish

What makes it more significant and not random in my mind at least is the latest entry in social explosions. Your entry ended with a beautiful heartfelt prayer. The next day God sent me to you.

I never go to stake conference at my ward. I do things with my BYU ward( With permission. It's a long story). But that morning I had the clear impression to go to that building. When I sat down I had the unmistakable impression to talk to you.
There is a little more to the story but I think that will suffice in reminding you that Heavenly Father answers your prayers and cares for you. I was moved by your writing about God's answers being the most valuable and penetrating. You are an excellent writer.

My other purpose in writing is to explain to you my concerns. This is definitely not something I would do if it weren't for the circumstances already mentioned. And if I weren't interested in you. Maybe my perspective can help you. I hope you won't be offended or find it pretentious.

When your friends say that they can't understand why you're still Mormon, doesn't that send chills down your spine? From the other side, I have the same confusion that they do. I don't see how you can still be Mormon either. With all the gravity of the world pulling at you, you will not be able to stay in two worlds. NPR is not a problem, it is a symptom. My NPR roommate was torn apart for the same reasons. He was also a perfect 'What White People Like' fit. That book is funny for a reason, and that is because it is an honest description of people puffed up in pride and self absorption and who delight in being different for the sake of being superior. He talked about how he struggled with his testimony and how he wanted to start living as a secular Mormon, but in reality he was just a coward for clinging to his religion . He just moved to Seattle, and I have very little hope that he'll stay true to his covenants. Oh and he loved hip hop and rap. He said he wasn't liberal, just more moderate than the typical Utahan. He passionately supported minorities in their victimization paradigm. Hip hop culture is corrupt. Just look at the cover of the KWest's albumn. I think looking for artistry there like looking for diamonds in the sewer. Your ex liked hip hop. What did it do for him?

Why am I saying this? Because I want to be with someone who flees the darkness and seeks the light. Who is willing to sacrifice things that have merit if they chase away the Spirit. Who listens to conference talks as regularly as NPR podcasts. And partly because I have my own weaknesses toward the things of the world and I need all the support I can get. At this point I can't get myself to pursue something with you. I felt our date was fun but it seemed like it was all about you.

So there it is, if nothing else this may help you to empathize with those judgmental guys. If you are blaming them I hope it will encourage you to look inward. I think you are a giving person, intelligent and beautiful. I wouldn't presume that you would even want to pursue something with me but if you still thought after reading this that we could be compatible, I would be open to going snowboarding.

Your friend,


Becca said...

That's BS.

WhitneyJoy said...

Oh my hell!

Get the heck outta dodge, girl!

mim said...

Gack! I don't even know where to begin. And if I start, I don't know where to end. Several words come to mind like "psycho" and "delusional" and some expletives.

Anyone who says they can't believe you are Mormon doesn't even understand what it means to be Mormon.

Amanda Jane said...

Whitney told me this was a must read. My mind is exploding! I'm even insulted.

There is more than one way to be an active, believing, spiritually-invested, Mormon woman. If somebody thinks they have the right to dissect you like that, based on one date and glance through you blog, just imagine the damage they would do spending a lifetime with them. Yuck! I've got to call Whitney back.

cassie said...

this made me laugh SO. HARD. one date?! people here just take things too seriously. dating means meeting "your eternal mate" instead of just meeting people. i don't want to be a judge but i really wonder what this guy's "problems" are.

actually, this kind of reminds me of the time i moved into a new apartment and hadn't figured out the trick to unlock my door yet. someone, on a jog, came up to me (i thought he was going to help me out, but of course he never even offered) and asked me if i went to school and what my major was. i told him, and he said, "yeah, i go to the lord's university." "uh...yeah, i go to BYU too." "no, the temple. that's the only place to learn. you'll learn all about how to deal with those special ed kids there." it was like going to school and getting an education--in other words, what gordon b. hinckley TOLD EVERYONE TO DO--made me a heathen. good lord. some people!

WhitneyJoy said...

(Oh and he loved hip hop and rap.) - that line kills me. It absolutely kills me.

Laura, I guess you could be in a relationship with someone if you change everything you love, and everything that makes you you.

heidikins said...

.... w.o.w.

This is the best part, "if you still thought after reading this that we could be compatible, I would be open to going snowboarding."

This is...wow.


GrittyPretty said...

hahahaha. i kinda hope this guy reads this and if he does... dear sir, please take your letter to a sensible friend and have them explain sentence by sentence why this letter is not okay. THANKS!

Guynneth said...

Too many comebacks; I cannot choose.

I checked the funny box because I found myself squealing and laughing with hysterical horror the whole time! There are plenty of things I would love to say to this boy (yes, boy, because no man is capable of textually vomiting out such thoughtless judgments) but there is really only one thing that absolutely must be said:

Take your own unsolicited and misguided advice and look inward. The goal of each Latter-day Saint is to be like our Savior. You obviously cannot see dear Laura very accurately because of that enormous beam in your eye. The Pharisees and Sadducees were in constant conflict with Christ because they were more concerned with surface appearance and not the heart. While we are all hypocrites to different degrees, the Lord taught that some sins are greater than others, pride being the most dangerous... I am tempted to go on (I think I will on my own blog, actually) but I will be pithy and say that Laura is one of the most Christ-like individuals I am privileged to know. For her sake, I am so glad you revealed your heart so quickly and, ahem, eloquently, and for your sake, may you now be slower to cast your stones.

Bless your heart. Sigh.

MiriamR said...

wow his selfrighteousness is amazing!! snowboarding? What is secular mormonism and what is wrong with NPR. I personally love hip hop and always have and I hate country music, does that exclude me from mormonism to. This guy is a Joke. Sorry you had one date with him

mr. good said...
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Bradley said...

I've heard it said, for good reason, that email is for positive, happy things, while anything remotely negative should be be face-to-face. Because emails leave evidence . . . like this.

Lindy said...

Laura you rock! I absolutely LOVE that you posted and facebooked this. Man....some people need to really reconsider what they are communicating to others...wow....just wow

Carroll said...

I agree verbatim with Whitney's first comment!

Andrew Clifford Capener said...

THAT IS THE FUNNIEST EMAIL EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way better than when you were describing this in class. He contradicts himself about 40 times throughout it.

The best is the snowboarding part.

Andrew Clifford Capener said...

(this is elise on drew's computer :)

Robin said...

ditto all above.

Robin said...

ok. i just read this to briton and he is still laughing over there in the kitchen while he whips up an Adam's PB "fix" and mutters things like, "That's incredible." "That poor guy."

Nathan Evans said...

The mockery and persecution that clings to anything foreign. We are all aliens.

suvi said...

NPR is a symptom??? of DARKNESS??? good heavens. We are all going to hell in a hand basket. You are right, Laura, he was being manipulative, and trying to make you doubt yourself after just one date, to feel like you weren't worthy of dating HIM. And that he needs someone who can lift him up-- so that when he falls, he doesn't have to blame himself but the girl. That is classic emotionally abusive. Homeboy needs help.

good on you for posting this for the world to see.

Bradley Ferreira said...

Whoa. Did he passive-aggressively transform the word "album" into an expletive?

Bradley Ferreira said...

And albumn anyone who seeks to publicly defile -the- NPR.

It's an albumn shame.

Albumn Yankees.

Brian said...

My diagnosis: classic case of insularism.

I wonder, when was the last time this guy left Utah County?

Hilary-Dilary-Dock said...

What in the freaking HECK??! I can't even describe how much I can't stand this person. Self-righteous jerk! That's why I have such an aversion to BYU. And those guys actually find crazy girls who MARRY them!! How does it happen? BYU is such a bubble. This makes me sick. THanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

wow, Scott showed this too me and my jaw dropped! I mean Holy CRAP! On a 2nd date. I'm baffled that he would think that's okay! Kick him hard for me.

micemilk said...

Wow. So mr. Shy, wealthy, ambitious, self-important s.o.b. thinks he's got you pegged.

He goes over the things he doesn't like about you, but then mentions that he could perchance take you snowboarding. How pig-headed of him. What next? I'm sure he'd also be willing to make-out with you because you're pretty and he could justify taking advantage of you bc he makes mistakes occasionally.

I'm glad you posted this. I hope he's embarrased and ashamed.

w. leavitt said...

well if god's not trying to tell him something with this new post, i certainly hope he understands that everyone in this kiss-fest certainly is. perhaps it's time this fellow and those like him stopped using inspiration and revelation to leverage others.

gurrbonzo said...


I just kept hoping this would be a joke because it seems way too good to be true. Doesn't it read almost like a parody?? If you set out to write a cringetastic/hilarious/awful email, could you do it any more PERFECTLY?

It's so bad, I can't even be mad. I'm just amazed. Save this forever and ever, my friend, for it is a treasure. In a decade or two after some REAL LIFE, he'll look back on this and just. be. mortified.

Stephanie said...

friend gurr sent me here, and um, wow. i have no words. i was telling gurr that i think she gives humanity too much credit. dude is not going to be mortified.

he's going to tell the story of how he chose god over a heathen temptress every testimony meeting for the rest of his life. and that god rewarded him by making him a second counselor in some all-white ward in utah county.

that's why you post his email on your blog, and move the heck on.

nomadic gnome said...

he seems like a real neat guy.

i'm glad you posted this email, because its important to know that people like this still exist, since i try to surround myself with supportive and loving people i sometimes forget.

ps i can't believe he was hating on what white people like. that is the best website to come out of 2005. i don't care what anybody says.

pps i know 4 mormon people who work at NPR and they are incredibly lovely and devout people, despite the horns coming out of their liberal heads.

hanner said...

i came here via julie /\

my first thought was, well, i should probably let my bishop know that i've been listening to NPR for a long time (can you believe my parents were the ones who introduced it to me??) so he should probably consider taking away my temple recommend.

my second thought was, it's really sad that people like this exist in provo, and in general. it already has such a bad reputation because of tools like him, and it's just not fair.

Ru said...

Oh ... wow. Gurr sent me over here after I posted some of my own dating adventures ... just, wow.

I want a t-shirt that says, "I would be open to going snowboarding."

Chris Almond said...
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Chris Almond said...

Hi Laura. Like others, I find this letter to be a total mind-fudge.
How did you respond to him? Did he see you posted this in your blog? Have you had any more interactions with him? These are questions I am desperate to have answered.
And man oh man, what about this line:
"He passionately supported minorities in their victimization paradigm. Hip hop culture is corrupt. Just look at the cover of the KWest's albumn."

So because Kanye West has a racy album cover , being opposed to the oppression of minorities is evil?

Chris Almond said...

I really love classical music and even after leaving the Church I still love the Mormon Tabernacle choir, and look where that got me? Obviously motab is a symptom of darkness.