complete mystery.

I am still afraid of the word "divorced" when it is attached to my name. I embrace the fact that I am divorced and feel enormous gratitude about being divorced, but it is still a heavy word and I'm not always sure how people will respond.

I was recently speaking with a group of people who didn't know I was divorced. We were catching up on some mutual past acquaintances:

"So, I heard that Emily is on her second."

"Oh, uh...really?"

"Yeah, it's too bad; I don't really know what happened with the first guy..."

I felt grateful when the topic changed.

As much as I have feared the reaction of old friends or acquaintances, I have feared the reaction of dating prospects to a much greater extent. I have an imagined scene that I've played out in my mind on more than one occasion:

I'm on a date with a guy, everything is going well, he doesn't know I'm divorced. The topic comes up and there's no way around it. I fidget, stammer, and once the word "divorced" has left my lips, he is speechless and isn't sure how to react externally. Internally he's thinking, how can I drop this girl off a.s.a.p. and indicate to her that she doesn't have a chance?

I know that I'm totally overreacting.

And that leads me to my next crazy point: I receive exponentially more male attention now that I'm divorced. And I'm comparing this not to when I was married (obviously) but to when I was single before.

My only question; WHY? It is a complete mystery to me. Is it because I am happier; more confident?

Most guys seems completely unphased by the "divorced" word in reality.
And especially because I feel undeserving of some of this male attention, I simply cannot wrap my brain around it.


quel said...

i know how you feel but also agree that in reality it doesn't phase guys.

and WHO is the beautiful mystery man???

McKayJoice said...

funny, all my roommates where talking about this last night. . not you, just the entire idea.

Not much of what i can say in a small "comment" on a blog.

But know this- i didn't think twice about it until the "what if he had kids?" question came into play.

Don't know what i'm getting at.

Just know you are so great, and know I love more and more the idea of you with someone brown- who speaks 5 languages.

whitney joy said...

brown sugar babies!

you listening to hip hop will finally make sense.

Marie said...

I lean toward the "more confident" idea.

mim said...

I have noticed that lots of great guys start coalescing around a girl when she is "ready". I am not sure what it takes to be "ready", but I think you are probably there.

whitney joy said...

in romania, if a girl started being really clutsy and falling all over the place it meant she was "ready". I found out about that after I tripped in Romania and fell into a puddle of dog hair and mud.

I think Laura is more coordinated these days. Probably because she is more confident.

this disproves that Romanian theory.

Hilary-Dilary-Dock said...

Laura, the complete turnaround IS your attitude. You are a beautiful person! I think that priorities also come into play. Image is no longer as important as principle; the ingredients for true happiness. You're now looking for guys that have a heart in the same place that you have yours. The truth of it is pretty simple: "Where you tend a rose, a thistle cannot grow."

Hilary-Dilary-Dock said...

oh yeah--so no wonder life is going so well for you!

Carroll said...

Hilary beautifully put! I agree! Also I love that picture if you and Jude. It warms my heart.