therapy.

I went to see a psychologist for the first time today in an attempt to clear the cobwebs leftover from my failed marriage.

I remembered one of my favorite games as a kid. There used to be large sheets of plywood scattered all over our backyard. I guess they were leftover building materials from my parents' house. I remember walking through the knee-high grass and spotting the plywood from a distance by the empty spots. Sometimes we'd jump from piece to piece imagining that we were in the ocean. Their weather-warped unsteadiness made it seem like they might actually be floating on water. But more often, we wouldn't step on them at all; we'd lift them up. The most exciting ones revealed the cross-sectioned tunnels of worms and snakes and mice. If we were lucky, a real mouse or snake would dart out and away near our feet. Even the most boring revealed large spiders and centipedes, tangled masses of earwigs, and june bug larvae. I remember the fear and excitement; I loved the unpredictability. But I remember always having mixed feelings about destroying the crusty shelter of all those nasty things.

complete mystery.

I am still afraid of the word "divorced" when it is attached to my name. I embrace the fact that I am divorced and feel enormous gratitude about being divorced, but it is still a heavy word and I'm not always sure how people will respond.

I was recently speaking with a group of people who didn't know I was divorced. We were catching up on some mutual past acquaintances:

"So, I heard that Emily is on her second."

"Oh, uh...really?"

"Yeah, it's too bad; I don't really know what happened with the first guy..."

I felt grateful when the topic changed.

As much as I have feared the reaction of old friends or acquaintances, I have feared the reaction of dating prospects to a much greater extent. I have an imagined scene that I've played out in my mind on more than one occasion:

I'm on a date with a guy, everything is going well, he doesn't know I'm divorced. The topic comes up and there's no way around it. I fidget, stammer, and once the word "divorced" has left my lips, he is speechless and isn't sure how to react externally. Internally he's thinking, how can I drop this girl off a.s.a.p. and indicate to her that she doesn't have a chance?

I know that I'm totally overreacting.

And that leads me to my next crazy point: I receive exponentially more male attention now that I'm divorced. And I'm comparing this not to when I was married (obviously) but to when I was single before.

My only question; WHY? It is a complete mystery to me. Is it because I am happier; more confident?

Most guys seems completely unphased by the "divorced" word in reality.
And especially because I feel undeserving of some of this male attention, I simply cannot wrap my brain around it.